im having one of those days where i am trying to keep it together for myself, im trying to be a functional human being because i have been allowing myself to break too many times in one month over small things. i get annoyed very easily with people, and with life, i get easily annoyed over small petty things that shouldn’t bother me but it does. things like my comforter fading will set me over the edge some days and it is really pathetic.. if i can put it that way.
but i guess today, right now i am realizing it is far bigger than those small pathetic things that i think annoy me.
being young, being a mother to a baby boy and wife to a man that is “owned by the government” is what i signed up for, it is something i appreciate because it holds so much love. but it is not easy….. i moved straight out of my parents house at 18 into a completely new world with my husband. i moved to a place that is completely out of my element and had to get used to being on my own. although i moved in with my husband, it is a huge roller coaster you kind of have to endure yourself. i had 4 short months to grow up and get used to the hick town i moved too, as well as get used to the marine corps life i began to live in before i became a mother and started a huge new level of responsibilities. in the beginning it had its ups and downs as expected. i grew a lot as a woman and began to figure out what my emotional limits were and what my physical limits were… some problems i went through were that of my own, others were trying to figure out the “kinks” of being a new parent and being married to my husband. to cut it a bit shorter 2012 was my least favorite year of all. although it was my sons first year and i got to see him grow and see all of his firsts, it was a lot that i realized i had thrown my self into. and i was not mentally prepared to handle any of it. i learned from every little thing as best as i could but i am human and it took a toll on every part of me on a daily basis.
i feel like i grew as woman and started to discover myself but i also feel like i was letting go of myself. and any women will go through this when they have a baby and get married….it is kind of like you lose your young perspective on life. that magical fantasy world you lived in once as a young girl is now gone. all the possibilities are still there for you, but they don’t look as fun.. or as golden as they once did. your mind start to become this cycle of trying to give your all to this new little human, and you cant forget that you have a husband that requires love and attention too.. and you try to juggle both so much that you forget to eat or sleep or shower or take a moment to yourself. you forget to kind of be you, you forget about the magical world you once lived in.
now, a year later, i still find myself trying to find ways that i can grab and call my own. and breathe and relax. but they get snatched so easily.. or they are never given because my husband has to be gone for a week or a month or he works from 5 am til 9pm and i am just cleaning and cooking and being a robot waiting until i can have my moment.
i guess what i am trying to say is that i am realizing i am not really annoyed at the comforter fading, or the dust in the corner that i can never seem to get too because my son is playing with windex and things he shouldn’t… i am just a bomb that has been ticking because of all this constant work and emotion. i am breaking at every little thing i can because i realize i cant break at being a mother or being a wife. i can cry and pout over a comforter that is fading because it is such a petty thing. but i cant cry that i have to wake up 4 times a night or cry when my son cries because he wont understand and will end up crying more. i cant be annoyed with the fact that my husband is always busy and always working because i cant change those things. so crying is useless. but i can cry over the comforter.
i can break at that, it just seems easier that way.
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not…
I am happy when I eat fresh fruit, when I burst out laughing, when I discover a new song, when I finish a good book, when I wake up and feel relaxed. I’m glad to have friends, family, a home, food when I’m hungry, hot water when I shower. I love being able to live and see the seasons change, to have gifts at Christmas and at my birthday, to travel sometimes, to have a good education and a great access to culture. I’m flattered when people compliment me, when people smile at me, when people are polite to me. There are so many things that make life so simple and easy and I will always think about them more than all the bad things that will happen to me. I do not have time to be sad every day and ungrateful; I have every reason in the world to be happy.